I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
