I want to make a zoo with you.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
