I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
