I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
