burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
