so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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