Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
