Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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