y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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