I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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