he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
