I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
