I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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