stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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