sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
