i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
