What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
