I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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