I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
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