she woke up with a sticky ear
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
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