3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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