I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Randomize
