4 words: hood of his car
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
