So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
