If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize