Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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