hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
