So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
