when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
That reminds me...we need to get swords
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
