We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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