Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
