Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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