I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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