At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
