Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
