there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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