On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
