Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
