I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
