Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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