i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
