I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
