Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
The air taste purple.
Randomize
