I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You are a genius and a whore.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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