see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
