Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
