I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
