hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
