I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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