you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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