Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
