Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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