Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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