So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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