Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
