Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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