i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
