is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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