She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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