I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
